1. Two Generators: These are not the days when Generators were back up, PHCN is back up now. And you know, if Generator is your main power supply, it goes without saying that you need a back up generator. Depending on your financial strength, you can have a really good one, like a good 3.5 kva and then the i pass my neighbor. Or you can have two 3.5 kva or you can have one 7 kva and one 3.5. Just cut your cloth accordingly.

2. Inverters : We were stubborn about these when we first heard of them years back. Now ours is about two years old and we’ve changed batteries once. The last battery change didn’t last however, turns out the batteries were fake.

This is another annoying thing, as far as I’m concerned, people who go and import the fake of these things are on the same level of evil as people who import fake drugs. Zero power supply is a malady, why are you standing in the way of my cure? We had the batteries returned sha, so let’s still say, we changed batteries once.

3. Solar lamps: After a tank refill at a total filling station a while back, the attendant introduced a solar lamp to us. We were a bit skeptical, but its the best N6000 we spent. The thing lasts long and even charges phone. Forget this free advert I have done for Total, I dont kiaaa, just being a brother’s keeper. Go and buy your own.

4. Solar torches: You need this one for transit. When the generator goes off, the inverter takes over, and when that goes off, the solar lamp takes over, then dies as well.

This is where your Solar torch comes in, you would need it to make your way through the house to the back yard and feed your generator with petrol. So the whole cycle can begin again.

5. Petrol storage house: Well, not really a house, just something similar to a dog’s kernel. Growing up, it was a near abomination to store petrol or kerosene in the environs. But you see, petrol scarcity is becoming the norm. You can’t go and hussle in filling stations just to buy one jerrycan.

You have to do it in minimum of fours’ nowadays. And when you do, please you need to build a little something away from the house for your petrol. Don’t ever store at home o!

6. Permanent markers and padlocks: This one, you may not understand. Let me explain; I am not saying your neighbors are bad people, but please, use marker and mark your jerrycan.

Then use padlock and lock the petrol storehouse.

7. Strong face: I have a gentle mien, but that is reserved for places where I have to comport my queenly sef like the Olori that I am . Save that, I have my ‘Aaah-dun-Kiaaa’ look, my I-don’t-give-a-damn-face.

What is it for?

Be doing as if you don’t know that jealous people are everywhere. The sound of your generator at 3.00am can be very annoying to your neighbor who either has no generator or petrol to run it.

The next morning, he/she is likely to come out frowning for you. Is it your consign ?

No! That is why you should be on the defensive, frown first.

8. Charcoal Iron: Yep. This is a #Throwback. Go and get one, rumpled clothes ain’t fashion yet.

9. Bodycon dress: This is more for the babes them. I discovered this last year while I was doing maternity shopping. I was fed up with outgrowing clothes with each inch my bump added. So I opted to find something that would stretch a bit with me. I am honestly not a bodycon fan ordinarily, I find the idea of a stretchy dress hugging my figure all the way a tad uncomfortable. You however need this fashion tip, because the dresses are ‘wash and wear’. 

Shame to Iron.

10. Throw away the up-nepa chant: My son said this only once, years ago, the rest dare not.  I pinched his ears, God forbid that I stand and watch anyone take undeserved credit. 

They will flash you some light briefly, around the time they wanna come and check bills. This is your final act of defiance, the only thread of dignity you have left. Do not let anyone steal it from you. 

If you hear any child say ‘Up nepa’, give them a tap on the bum, whether they are your kids or not.

Up who? Up what?

If they go and report to their parents and those ones come and fight you, beat them too.

Nonsense.

Yours sincerely,

Achalugo

P:s: You can ignore 9 if you have 8, and Ignore 8 if you have the kind of generator suggested in 1.

On a final bonus note, ever heard of rechargeable fans? Those things are the bomb! You can use them for those afternoon siestas where nothing else has business being on, except fan for some cool breeze.

…you are welcome.

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