The story of the birth video I didn’t make (I)

If you have been pregnant before, you would be no stranger to the advice to get regular sex towards your due date. Ask your doctor or everyone’s doctor (google).

“I want to push, I’m going to push, you better let me push”

So I went and collected my thing jeje and went back to bed. I woke up about 5.00am with a strong urge to pee and strolled to the restroom, no pee.

Then the pain slapped me, hot like Dr.Crazeclown use to slap Ade. The pressure between my legs mounted, I waddled back to the room

“Kabiyesi, I go born this pikin for here o” 

I muttered, trying hard to observe the ‘breathe through contractions’ rule. Then the pain subsided.

the only Nigerian drama series I agree with it’s portrayal of a woman in labour -Caroline King in Gregory Odutayo’s Edge of Paradise

I rushed a shower and got into one short dress of mine. That dress, wish I had a picture. It’s the exact thing you should wear to clinic visits. The top part allows easy access to your breasts, and bottom part to your kini, that way you can be examined and not feel you are stripping.

The pain slapped me again. I grimaced and started gingering myself 

“Acha mma! Iroko herself! The elephant skin that cannot be chewed, fierce as a tigress yet gentle as a dove, you can do this again, tearless and screamless like the first”

And then it subsided. We decided it was a good time to get me into the car. I came out and TheBoss’ godfather was still awake

“Omams, are you okay?”

“Yes, the baby is coming” I replied as calmly as possible. 

He was taken aback. At that moment I remembered the only Nigerian drama series I agree with it’s portrayal of a woman in labour -Caroline King in Gregory Odutayo’s Edge of Paradise. 

We drove out and arrived the hospital in about 9 minutes, absolutely the best time to have gone into labor. Unlike the first, an afternoon baby, where I had to deal with slight third mainland traffic. 

“If you don’t listen to me, you will go and tear yourself o”

The car pulled up at the hospital door, and the ever smiling nurses rubbed my back

“Come down dear”

” I can’t close my legs” 

Breathe, Acha, I reminded myself

“You can’t close your legs?”

“I’m trying, I can’t o”

The nurse reached for me and looked me over

“See this woman o, what were you doing at home since?” she teased

“I was sleeping” Truth in the grand analysis, hehehe.

“Get the wheelchair! Check the lift! Get her file! Prepare the ward!”

Come and see executive ferrying, all the while the contractions were getting stronger. I got nicely prepared and opened my legs for them unlike the first time they had to tease and yab me into spreading. I also think I really couldn’t close those legs even if I tried.

In the rush, no one had remembered that I wanted to make a video

My midwife looked closely and recognised me

“You again, I warned you after the first, you labour fast. I told  to come early next time”

Silence

“I want to push, please”

“Wait a little, it’s not yet time”

“But I want to push!”

She smiled and gave me the threat she used the last time

“If you don’t listen to me, you will go and tear yourself o”

My friends had gisted me of tears and cuts and with my babies weighing over 3kg at the scans you do towards the tail end, it was a fear I nursed. Having had no cut or tear at the first where I behaved myself, I advised my inner self to repeat the home training and shut up

I caught Kabiyesi hiding a giggle and peering inside

“It’s wide now o” he offered

Mscheeeew! In the rush, no one had remembered that I wanted to make a video. I bit my lips, once again I would miss seeing what ot looks like when my babies are coming out. 

“I want to push, I’m going to push, you better let me push”

That was my body speaking not me, and I’m amused each time I remember

“Okay let’s go, push”

Yes I didn’t scream, but let nobody come and go and tell you that the pain is describable. Not unbearable (before I alarm mothers to be), but well, still can’t find the word. On a slight digress sha, I think i’d rather have five babies than one toothache, chaiiiii.

“We’ve crowned, wait for the next contraction”

I smiled in gratitude, journey half over. 

“I want to push”

“Push, good girl, don’t relax o, almost done, great, push, yes, push”

I gasped, it was done

5.45am, february 8, 2013.

That was the sweetest thing ever. I never check what sex I was having, so when the nurse handed the baby to me and said

“Look, as beautiful as you” 

I still don’t have a birth video, perhaps I got bored of trying to capture my own vagina on camera

It was the best thing ever. 

“It’s a girl!” I screamed

She laughed 

“You didn’t know?”

“Noooo” 

I was over the moon, who knows, I may have tried to bolt from there in excitement. Because she held me down and said 

“Placenta”

I laughed and complied.

I still don’t have a birth video, perhaps I got bored of trying to capture my own vagina on camera.

Or maybe next time, fingers crossed.

Happy birthday my Ada Ada😍

It’s been four years of amazingness with my Princess, bubbly, overly selfless as her father, in love with my heels and right now sleeping, oblivious to her mother’s insomnia -induced by an unquantifiable joy of reminisce.

Love,

Achalugo

Bonus: When they asked him her name, Kabiyesi was still too excited. She was pretty much lightskinned, eliciting a joke that they could switch off the lights and she would keep the room’s glow. He responded by singing flavor’s song Baby oku and kept on repeating the 100watts part. There you have it, the nickname history

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